Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Sailed My Ship of Safety Till I Sank It - Indigo Girls

Death by derivative. It's not far from a possibility.

I just got off the phone with my Mom and Dad which is the only reason I have the fortitude to attempt a blogging post.

I *have* been paper blogging, but there is. no. freaking. time to get back on the computer. It's not enough to say that I'll post after I finish a few more problems, because the math is winning most of the battles and all I can say is that I haven't missed a single homework assignment yet, but I *have* missed a lot of sleep to be able to say that.

Sometimes after Calculus/Matrices I feel so unbelievably alone. I just feel completely lost. It's all I can do not to cry the whole stupid way back to the car. It makes me feel so ANGRY to be so completely slayed by a math class that I once found a virtual cakewalk. I find myself marveling that a math class can reduce a 40-yr-old woman to tears (today I turned 41, but I didn't cry today after Matrices).

I got a 67% on the Calculus mid-term. It's 17% above the class average (for the test), but that doesn't actually help what it did to my over-all grade. I've gone from feeling miserable about not getting an A to praying that I can win the race of falling grades and have the class end before the cumulative grade falls below 70%--the lowest it can fall and still count towards my math education major.

I did slightly better on the linear algebra mid-term--I got a 70% on that one (but the class average was slightly higher than mine). It gives me a cumulative grade of 78%. I'm not holding out hope I can get that back up to a B-. I'm holding out hope I can keep it right where it is.

The Education classes are going fine. I hate the online format. No. I mean, I *loathe* it. The actual content of the class--well, once we get out of the history of behaviorism, I really find Edpsych interesting. I like the others in my discussion group, although we're an opinionated group and sometimes there is a little bit of an edge in the last day or two as we put together a group response.

But the Curriculum & Instruction class makes me gag. I think it's partly just having worked in the industry for ten years--I am sooooo jaded and then also, it's such a hugely political topic--to try to cram it all into a 6.5 week course robs it of all subtlety and it seems to me to veer wildly around a variety of bleeding-heart topics. The field of curriculum work is a political/social/cultural one and you can't make everyone happy--ever. Not until the millennium, at any rate. Since my time is so crammed full of math problems and reading and quizzes and mid-terms and written responses to discussion questions--I find myself incredibly impatient with the -- never mind. Rant aborted. We'll stick with the original pith: I loathe the online format.

[Chris gave me an ipod for my birthday. I realize I'm years late to the party, but it's very pretty and he's filled it with music that is aimed to keep me from throwing myself off the Atherton Street overpass (it would actually be very difficult to do that since the bridge is really a big building with a bridge that goes through it from one side of campus to the graduate student housing--which is a block from where I park at the law office). ANYWAY, I'm listening to this music for the first time tonight and being as un-cool as I am, I have to keep stopping what I'm doing now to go, "WHAT is THIS? Nickelback? Hey, I really like Nickelback. Are they still a band or what?" LOL. You know what I find really touching though? He put all his spending money and most of his gas money for the whole month into this player. He's riding his bike to work most of the rest of this month to pay for it :)]

Anyway, I had planned to do my reading for C&I tonight, but people kept calling to sing me happy birthday and I felt, it being my birthday, that blowing a full hour playing Zynga games on Facebook, was well-deserved. Chris was loading up the ipod and I was sitting next to him watching the Carleton on Youtube when we suddenly realized that it was 9:00 pm. We put the kids to bed, my parents called--Chris started a load of laundry and headed to bed while I was talking to them, and then I agree to stay up and put the laundry in the dryer. I briefly debated trying to get the first two C&I articles read, (they're short) but decided to blog instead.

So here I am listening to music and blogging (and laundry. I'm out of clean underwear or I'd totally be in bed). It's such a pleasant way to spend an evening, even if I'm not sure where I'm going to get back the hours.

Chris has good taste in music. I keep having an urge to write down the lyrics for you that he has picked out for me his wife. Here are a few of the things he says to me in the music:

"Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)" -All-American Rejects

"From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive" - Nickelback

"feeling mighty fine at this time
yes I am
feeling mighty fine at this time
yes indeed
walk down any street
past the people you meet
what is it about this place that keeps you on your feet?" -- Eels

He loves me. He'll love me even if I fail Calculus I. That's reassuring.