Saturday, October 18, 2008

My Glass

I'm holding on for dear life with the wild ride we're on right now. Life is very much "sweet 'n sour." On the one hand there's the undeniable stress of Chris' unemployment and my over-employment. We're going down in flames financially. That's a huge stress. On the other hand it's a gorgeous, amazing fall; I love my husband so much; my kids are healthy and doing well in school; we're getting lots of help with the financial issues; I'm in a good place spiritually; I love my calling in the Relief Society; the job at the law office is going well; and I have a great dog. (She just came over to say hi and look hopefully through my bag for a treat.)

I keep hoping the geometry project is finally over. But then another assignment arrives in my in-box. It is by far the most challenging project in which I have participated and the time it takes me to complete each page isn't worth the modest pay. But we need the money so badly and it's math--every page is a fight, but I feel so satisfied when each page is done. I can't make the deadlines but my employer must be happy with the final result because they haven't said a THING about it and just keep feeding me more. I prefer writing math to any other content area and having to relearn the advanced geometry concepts is really more satisfying than anything else--it's just that there's so little time for figuring things out.

Living beyond frugally is TIME consuming. It's satisfying, but for example, I need to can up more beans for us to use for meals and that will be time this evening that I should be working on my grammar project. On the other hand, I simply CAN'T work around the clock. I get brain freeze. I need to get up and go knead bread or do a few dishes or lead the family in a whole-house pick up. These things clear out my head and make it possible for me to sit back down and make faster progress. Sweet 'n sour. I feel like I should be working when I'm doing other things. When I'm working I can't concentrate for the other things that are left undone. I'm trying to strike a balance so I can focus just on what's in front of me.

My glass isn't empty at all. As fast as it's being emptied financially, something else comes along to fill it up. God is merciful as long as I'm willing to open my eyes and look up from the checkbook and see the other things. I do have moments when I can't. I get tunnel vision and just see what is unpaid. Or I see how hard this all is on Chris and get to feeling hopeless about my inability to fix that for him. He's such a wonderful husband and father and I struggle with finding ways to show that. But the autumn sun is shining through my window right now and lighting up the quiz on vectors that I just finished and I feel hopeful in this moment and that's what it's about, right? Savoring the sweet and appreciating its contrast to the sour.

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